so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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