Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
