Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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