Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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