i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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