I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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