Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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