i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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