Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
