The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
