Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Randomize
