My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
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