she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
