He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
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