I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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