Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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