I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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