Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
