If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
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