My first STD was from a foam party
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
