12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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