I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
i think my cat just said my name.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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