fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
