So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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