I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
