My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
the condom got lost in my hair
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
