I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
