god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
