I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I will pee on everything he values.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
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