so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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