don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
