my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
