I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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