You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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