I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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