i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
