just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
