Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
