Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
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I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
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I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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