Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
