: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
