so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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