sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Randomize
