Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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