After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
