I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize
