Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
