Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
