If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
