Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
