theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
