Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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