Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
