Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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