Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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