tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
