Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
