I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
