I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
