i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
